Culture + Arranged Marriage = Good or Bad

[vahsi000]

Hi everyone, i got bored and i thought what better way to waste everyones precious time by creating another not so interesting thread. Ok, here it is, what is everyone's thoughts of arranged marriage, is it possible for you or if it's (SOOO) not possible then why not? I want to know everyones thoughts on this subject and then i might be able to give out a few pointers about me ;) .

[Giles]

Depends on the arrangement.

[bbolte]

i don't think that can be objectively discussed outside of one's culture. in the west, it doesn't happen (or at least it's very rare) but in the east it's very common. so one's thoughts will certainly be filtered through that lens.

i've talked with people from the middle east who are here in the states primarily so they wouldn't have to. but i've also read things by people who've been and say they are extremely happy and in love.

[vahsi000]

My parents have found a girl for me while i'm here at my vacation right now (in turkey). I said ok and told them i would talk with her, i've been going out with this girl for almost 2 weeks and she's going to become my fiance' this saturday. From what I've experienced from the past two weeks, i really like her, at first I liked her for her looks and now everyday that i spend with her I realise that it's who she is that i really like. We're both turning 18 this year and hopefully we'll be getting engaged during the next few weeks.

Here's how I see things. I know for a fact that there is no such thing as a perfect couple, hence, looking for a partner by dating people for long periods of time seems kinda pointless. Like, every human being has good and bad characteristics so what we do is, we enjoy the good and deall with the bad, it's as simple as that.

[bbolte]

congrats and good luck!

[Hylo]

As bbolte says, it's hard for Westerners to comment properly on what is a completely foreign practice to most of us but if you're good to your wife and she's good to you then I don't see why it couldn't lead to as happy a life together as any "traditional" Western matchmaking process.

Good luck in any regards and congratulations on your upcoming engagement.

[Giles]

Good luck with your marriage. I hope it works out well. As for arranged marriage, if you are happy with it then great!

[Vinnie]

I wouldn't be making marriage plans with anyone after just 2 weeks, arranged or not.

[vahsi000]

I wouldn't be making marriage plans with anyone after just 2 weeks, arranged or not.

hmm, why? To find out if the other person is a serial killer? Well, i don't think they'd tell you if you went out with that person for a few years (that's if you live that long). Maybe your thinking that if you lived with that person long enough you would get to know all of their bad habbits. The way i'm thinking right now is that every human being has a bad habbit and one would be pretty foolish to go on a world tour looking for their perfect match. My parents are a good example, they got married without even knowing each other propperly, sure they went through rough patches every know and then but hell, who doesn't. My parents have been married more than 40 years and I believe they'll stay married untill "death do them apart" (it's something like that). With what i've just said in mind, i've actually met the girl i'm going to be married, on several occasions we have proven to each other that we like each other, as long as we over come the obstacles that come between us in the future, I think we'll be alrite...

[Vinnie]

Please don't take offense to this but:

You're 17 years old. You probably have little, if any, previous dating experience. Are you saying that after 2 weeks, you know enough about this girl that you know she's the perfect match for you? That there is nobody else on earth that could possibly be a better match for you? Do you even know enough about yourself at this point in your life to accurately make that call? I know that at age 17 I sure as hell didn't know myself well enough to make a lifelong decision like that. I was having a hard enough time deciding what colleges to apply to.

Again, I don't mean to offend; I'm just offering another point of view. Arranged or not, two weeks of knowing someone seems like an extremely short time to be considering marriage, especially when both parties aren't fully grown up yet. But if you feel you're both mature enough and know each other and yourselves well enough to make this decision without any pressure from outside parties, then more power to you and have a happy life together.

[vahsi000]

Since when do humans know exactly what they want (as soon as we acquire the thing we need, we no longer want it), with that said I think it's quiet healthy for both parties to have "some" pressure from our parents.

I'm seriously getting annoyed at the fact that people are calling me too young to be married (im 17 turning 18 this month) where there are 16 year old kids allowed to get married and have their own kids.

Here's how I see things, sure there might be a better match for me out there but it's also possible that I could end up with someone worse (you can't really know someone without living with them for a good few years). I don't want to spend years looking for a better match whereas I could be working on myself on becoming a better person myself for my partner.

Right now, neither me nor my fiancee had any past dating experiences, although we have arguments every now and then (maybe it's too soon to call it love but still) but we love each other more than anyone we've ever know (it could also be due to our hormones). I think if me and my partner start working on our problems at an early age, we'll have a better and a longer marriage then ordinary (mid 20's) marriages.

[Vinnie]

Maybe I have some idealized/romanticized view of marriage, but I'd rather take the extra time to find someone who doesn't give me as much crap to put up with in the first place, instead of settling with the first person I find and taking all their crap. I see arguments after 2 weeks to be a bad sign, but then again I never took much guff in my single days. I'd like to think I'm better off (and found someone better than the rest) for doing so.

[chromate]

Gotta agree with Vinnie. Seriously if you're having arguments after only 2 weeks something doesn't seem right. Though you seem quite confrontational vahsi000 so that may have something to do with it ;)

I can honestly say I don't think I had an argument that meant anything with my girlfriend for like the first year or something. I don't think you should marry anyone unless you're in love with them. Simple as that.

[vahsi000]

with the arguments, I kinda did it on purpose to see if she was the kind that gives up on something on the spot, like I believe that after I meet someone for a few days, I can get a good understanding of that persons characteristics and in return I feel obliged not to hide anything and to be upfront with any problems/concerns.

Here's my question: Why is it that couples that believe that they are in love, the ones that date for a good few years brake up, whereas my parents didn't even know each other (considering they might have had 1 or 2 chances to speak with one another) and they've been married for more than 40 years?

Note: It wasn't love at first sight.

BTW, I really like your pic chromate, sometimes I seriously wonder if i'll end up like that guy, rest of the time I joke about it.

[chromate]

Well love doesn't always last forever even though when you're in love it often feels like nothing will ever change the way you feel. But if you go into something that's arranged, yes you may stay together and work through problems etc, but you may also never fall in love. That would be a great shame as love is something that makes life worth living. Love's the drug man! Power to the people. Peace. Out. :)

BTW, thanks for the compliment regarding the pic. Thinking of changing it soon though. I've seen the same pic used over at sitepoint too and I don't want there to be any mix-up with who's who. ;)

[Vinnie]

with the arguments, I kinda did it on purpose to see if she was the kind that gives up on something on the spot, like I believe that after I meet someone for a few days, I can get a good understanding of that persons characteristics and in return I feel obliged not to hide anything and to be upfront with any problems/concerns.

I prefer to talk about someone's disposition/beliefs rather than argue when I first meet them. Things tend to go more smoothly that way.


Here's my question: Why is it that couples that believe that they are in love, the ones that date for a good few years brake up, whereas my parents didn't even know each other (considering they might have had 1 or 2 chances to speak with one another) and they've been married for more than 40 years?

Some people grow apart after a while, even after knowing each other for years. Some people start far apart and grow closer together over time. Some people feel that staying together is of utmost importance and stay together regardless of which direction they should be going in.

Your parents are one of the last two. I don't know which because I don't know them. But don't make the mistake of assuming that staying together = both people are happy, because such is not always the case.

[bbolte]

aren't we still just talking cultural differences here? vinnie's (and mine) are of a western/american view, vahsi000's isn't. which is why i think that it can't objectively be discussed outside of that influence.

[vahsi000]

i guess your right bbolte, but i need to ask another question. What is love at first sight? Isn't that discriminatory love?"Sight", so two people can fall in love based on each others appearances but when I get arranged marriage (and I feel something special towards her), it's not love but "arranged marriage"?

Here's how I see things; every human being has the ability to love someone, it's upto them if they do or don't. Since the western culture has the freedom to chose the person they want to fall in love with, most of the people are in search for the "perfect" match or something close to it. The previously stated reason is why majority of the couples divorce "looking for a better match".

For anyone who posts after this post, I want all of you to answer if any of you believe in the "perfect match"?

Note: Becareful on what you say Vinnie because your getting on my nerves. Firstly by judging me by my age and secondly by emphasising on the fact that I argued with my partner so much that your making it seem like I had a fight with her, one can also have an argument in a discussion manner which was what I had. While i'm at it, may i know how old you are Vinnie, so I can pay my respect accordingly.

[vatsia]

For anyone who posts after this post, I want all of you to answer if any of you believe in the "perfect match"?

I meet my wife in your age and we lived together for about 10 years before we got married.I consider this to be the "safest" way to find your "perfect match".

Having dates with your future wife without living together before the marriage does not tell you anything about how she reacts on everyday situations, money issues, etc. That means you don't actually know her.

There are centain things you might consider before getting married.
- Are 18 years of age enough to decide.
- Where does the girl live? What is her educational backround? I mean you know about the internet, if she is on some mountain village without telephone, it's not going to work.
- Today your parents rule about your marriage, will they tomorrow rule about every decision in you live?

Take care :)

[bbolte]

personally, i think the west is cofused about love. IMMHO, "romantic love", "soul mate" and whatever other term they use is really just an euphimism for infatuation. once that wears off, they think they've fallen out of love. the west has a very selfish view of love, IMO.

understand, i'm not reffering to anyone that's participated in this thread, these are just my opinion that i've developed over the years observing those around me.

so, in short, maybe there is a perfect match. but in my opinion, love should be "other focused" to be real. so finding the perfect match to me was more about, was i ready to love someone in this way? could i honestly look past what i needed and give what my wife needed?

ok, it's sounding preachy, but just my thoughts. and btw, in case anyone's wondering, i've been married 19 years...

[Vinnie]

Note: Becareful on what you say Vinnie because your getting on my nerves. Firstly by judging me by my age and secondly by emphasising on the fact that I argued with my partner so much that your making it seem like I had a fight with her, one can also have an argument in a discussion manner which was what I had. While i'm at it, may i know how old you are Vinnie, so I can pay my respect accordingly.
I'm not intending to get on your nerves or offend you, but you have to understand that you asked for opinions, and opinions will vary based on the experiences of the person giving them. If you just wanted approval and congratulations then you should have asked for that.

I've tried being respectful of cultural differences here but in all honesty much of what you said has all kinds of alarms going off in my head regardless of any cultural norms attached to it.

For the record I'm 26. I started dating when I was 16, started dating my wife at 19, and went out for almost 5 years before getting engaged then waited another 15 months to get married. Countless friends of mine thought they were going to marry their boy/girlfriend when they were 17, and none of them are currently with the same person. It's nothing against your culture; it's that 17 year old kids in general are stupid when it comes to matters of love, dating and marriage regardless of where in the world they happen to live.

[vahsi000]

Ok, let me try to tie this up:

1. I'm marrying this girl as soon as I can.
2. I'm going to be living with this girl until "death do us apart".
3. If there is some major problem that we can't overcome (which i'm sure there won't be), then I have up to the age of 25 to witness it since i'm not planing on having kids any time before my mid 20's, by then of which i'll be living in my own house on working towards my career goals.
4. In 10 years time i'll write a blog about this, how one doesn't have to date someone for years to know that they could be married happily ever after (as long as both people are from good background :P).

[AndyH]

Goodluck to you. I personally don't see it happening. Nothing against you, just people change.

Personally, I don't see myself getting married for quite a long time. I want to travel and experience alot of different things...

[TCDigital]

My parents have found a girl for me while i'm here at my vacation right now (in turkey). I said ok and told them i would talk with her, i've been going out with this girl for almost 2 weeks and she's going to become my fiance' this saturday. From what I've experienced from the past two weeks, i really like her, at first I liked her for her looks and now everyday that i spend with her I realise that it's who she is that i really like. We're both turning 18 this year and hopefully we'll be getting engaged during the next few weeks.

Here's how I see things. I know for a fact that there is no such thing as a perfect couple, hence, looking for a partner by dating people for long periods of time seems kinda pointless. Like, every human being has good and bad characteristics so what we do is, we enjoy the good and deall with the bad, it's as simple as that.


I don't like arrange marriage, seems like people will regret it after a while. Especially when your only dating for 2 weeks... I rather go out to this small world and know more people before thinking about marriage. Marrying at 18 does seem kind of early.. Don't you have someone else in mind or some sort?